Because

I trust Jesus because "See, I have not forgotten you. I have inscribed you on the palm of My hand" (Isaiah 49:16).

I do not fear the future because "I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you, for I am the Lord your God" (Isaiah 43:1-3).

I look to God for contentment because "in Your presence is fullness of joy" (Psalm 16:11).

I believe what God says because "God is not a man, that He should like, nor a son of man that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make good?" (Numbers 23:19).

I choose to see reality because "who many abide in Your tabernacle?...He who walks uprightly, works righteousness, and speaks the truth in his heart" (Psalm 15:1-2).

I despise shame because "Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame" (Hebrews 12:1-2).

I press through because "Blessed is the man whose strength is in You...As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a spring, the rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength, each one appears before God" (Psalm 84:5-7).

I remember what He's done because "His faithfulness will be my shield" (Psalm 91:4).

I have hope because "Even to your old age, I am He, and even to your gray hairs I will carry you! I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry and will deliver you" (Isaiah 46:4).

My Dwelling Place

Today's my first free day in so long! Well, sorta. I still need to write lesson plans for school, go grocery shopping, clean my room and take Leela to the vet.

easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

It's basically a free day, and the weather is gorgeous, and I slept in. All great things.

"Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place..." -Psalm 91:9

I've read it a million times and even memorized the chapter in elementary school. Somewhere, without realizing it, I've internalized this verse, and in this morning's quiet time, it's alive to me. Lord, you are my dwelling place.

Today! Today in the midst of joy- a day to cook, clean, and get everything in ordered peace, I choose to dwell in Jesus. I place my thoughts on Him and I'll process all of my emotions through Him. Jesus is the lense with which I'll view my priorities, work through my discouragements, understand my relationships. As if I'm dwelling in a tangible location, I will not step out of His covering.

Yesterday! When seeing creepy neighbor gave me immediate anxiety, I chose to remember that all authority in heaven and on earth belongs to Jesus. Will I report him to the apartment complex? Yes. Do I know that my jiu-jitsu boyfriend and doberman-rotweiler dog provide much security? Yes. But to infinity and beyond those things, I dwell in Jesus. I literally chose to not dwell in fear! I was shocked by my own response, because I usually entertain anxiety to a ridiculous degree (one scary feeling leads to thoughts of funerals and how my family would cope, etc. The silliest, I know). But I didn't do this! All authority is Jesus. Fear is not my dwelling place. I stopped the downward spiral of anxiety recognizing Jesus, the Hope that anchors my soul. See you later, fear.

Tomorrow! I don't know what will come, and sometimes it seems so unstable. Will I accomplish my dreams? Will my life be as I've expected? I don't know. But I won't dwell in the future- I'm not there yet! I dwell in Jesus, who works all things together for my good, beacause I love Him. And in the future, no matter what happens, I will be dwelling in Jesus, and each day will therefore be just fine. I have no need to worry.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, 'My Refuge and my Fortress, my God, in whom I trust." -Psalm 91:1-2

When I choose to dwell in Jesus, I rest. It's a recognition that He is the Most High, the Almighty, the Refuge and Fortress, my God. If I could just barely touch the reality of those names! But I'll learn to understand them through dwelling in them.  

Daily confession

"I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight like I am beating the air. I am not sluggish. I imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises. I exult in tribulation, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within my heart through the Holy Spirit. I do not lose heart in doing good, for in due time I shall reap if I do not grow weary. I run with endurance the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. For the joy set before me, I endure this cross. I despise shame. I revere Him who is seated at the right hand of the Father." 

- Ten Days Missions Scriptural Confession

All authority in heaven and on earth

"And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me... And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”- Matthew 28:18-20, ESV

I've been thinking a lot lately about the authority of Jesus. One day I was driving in my car, and it just struck me. ALL authority is His. All of it. Whew. If I could really grasp this (which maybe I'm hopefully starting to do?), it would change my perspective on many, many things. I'm even going to use bullet points to share them.

• All authority: I'm home alone tonight, and I'm often terrified of the tiniest spooky sound. But all authority is His! Therefore, I do not entertain fear. If something were to happen, it would be under His good allowance (ie., when Jesus tells Pilate that he has no power except what the Father has given him). And if nothing should happen, it's because His authority has deemed nothing to happen.
• All authority: cancer, AIDS, heart attacks, car accidents, the laws of physics and chemistry are subject to Jesus. He says, "Be healed," and we're healed. He says, "Come home," and we go.
• All authority: Nature itself is under His rule. He tells the tide where to stop; He is in the whirlwind and the storm. Natural disasters, drought, full harvests and fruit are because His wisdom has spoken the word.
• All authority: Alot of demonic stuff has been recently happening to different people I know. But really, I'm not giving it that much thought. All authority belongs to Jesus, so I will not be afraid. Why would I respond to Satan's false claims?

I know there are some significant complications in all this (free will and sin), and I'm not too interested in mentally dissecting everything for myself tonight. When I was in high school, I was crazy about finding all the right rhetorical ways to debate this stuff. But tonight, I just want to rest in the simplicity of this promise: that all authority is His.
         
I don't have authority over my own life, and woohoo! I mean, I hate to make decisions- why would I want to take authority over my life anyways? If I decide to go to Chilis for dinner, I wish I went to Chipotle. If I buy a purple bed spread, I immediately wish I'd bought green. I can't make any good choices! I don't know the future, and better to leave the shots to the One who does.

My friends don't have authority over my life, and hallelujah! People's opinions change everyday, and I could never keep up trying to change them/ always win people over.

My circumstances don't have authority in my life because I've already placed my joy in Jesus! If I lose my money, I'm okay, because my joy wasn't in money anyways. If I have a lame job, I'm okay, because my joy wasn't in work anyways. And if under God's good authority I get sick, I'm okay, because then I get to see Jesus, who is my joy anyways!

I recognize the authority of Jesus in my life today. I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me. The authority over my life is rightly His, and ultimately His no matter what I decide. But I willingly surrender it, without fight or fear. This is the most beautiful, peace-producing way to live!

I unintentionally woke up at about 5:30am this morning and looked out my window to a blue sunrise. Immediately I grinned and lifted my fists in victory, saying aloud, "Eeeee! He is with me! I don't have to be afraid!" And then I went back to sleep.

HA! When I woke up at 9:00am, I laughed at myself for a long time. How is it that Jesus' joy so fills my heart, that even in my most unconscious state, I instantly turn to praise? Instantly to faith?

This week has been filled with joy. Joy because my niece and nephew are so beautiful I can't stand it.

Joy because of Dan's tenderness towards my heart. Joy because of patio cookouts, late night jacuzzis, fireworks, silly sisters, alfresco fridays, finding Saturn with my dad before he left for Brazil, music under the stars.

Joy because Jesus is my portion. 

Joy because the Lord, who is my Shepherd, has given me everything I need, and goodness and mercy are following me today.
Joy because everything I need to know has already been settled on the cross.

Isn't that the bottom line?

This joy is so meaningful to me today because of a series of thoughts I haven't been able to shake for a long time. These thoughts are mostly on the weightier issues of life, like, you know, saving the world and stuff. Some of this is the product of growing up in a missionary family, and most of it is the product of much misunderstanding of who Jesus is and what He expects of me. I've struggled for years over the issue of "life calling" and ministry, feeling an overwhelming angst/ responsibility to all that I've seen overseas: poverty, famine, slavery, disease. And I have to come face to face with myself and admit: I don't know how to change the world. I have no brilliant tricks up my sleeve, no stored-away vision I'm waiting to introduce at the right time. That's the underlining stress, right? That I don't know what to do. But after traveling through the pain and grit of 14 different countries, what do I do with a heart that can't shake these things?

Actually, I know what I've usually done with this heart: either I take the weight of the world on my shoulders, placing my entire value as a person in my proximity to a third world nation, or I become overwhelmed and stay inside my apartment and read some books. Neither is what Jesus wants from me.

Last week I wrote about the gardener of Gethsemane, and my sister commented something I've needed to consider all week long:

"This gardener was 'called' to be and do these things for the pleasure of Jesus, so that Jesus could find rest and quiet there. It challenges me to be faithful in the mundane of what I'm called to now, if for no other reason than that Jesus will find pleasure in this hard, tending work."

For the pleasure of Jesus. How have I gotten so confused, and why is today the day that I finally understand? I'll write more another time, but for now, I'll rest in His joy.

From the strawberry patch in the front.  So tiny!

The biggest cucumber the world's ever seen! I should have taken it to the fair.

Yay! I love you deeply deeply, so deeply, Jesus.

gardens

I'm back in El Paso for the summer. Two weeks ago, we had a baby shower for my brother and his wife (and their precious, September baby named Lola). The shower was in my backyard, which is pretty incredible...if anyone has known my family intimately enough to venture into our backyard, they know that it is a huge, desert wasteland! For the 20 years that we've lived in this house, our backyard has only been loose sand, intermixed with some cacti and a few rocks. But then two years ago, my parents decided to, yes, garden this wasteland. It just started with some planters, and then some seeds, and then grass and a patio, and slowly this desert wasteland is taking a new shape. And guess what! Now there are 35 different kids of fruits, vegetables, and herbs growing outside! THIRTY FIVE! Even this morning, my parents are outside with three teenagers from their ministry, laying down some pink chat. They are doing the impossible! I stand amazed.

Green beans, potatoes, corn, cucumber, peas, pumpkins, and a workout bike.

Baby bell peppers!

Grapes! I'm most excited about these!

Even though it's far from finished, we're enjoying our backyard everyday. There's still quite a bit of sand and cacti, but we've nonetheless thrown multiple, beautiful parties in the midst of it. There's some sort of life lesson to be learned in this.

Baby shower for Lola

My wonderful family!


"He went with His disciples...where there was a garden, which He and His disciples entered. Now Judas, who betrayed Him, also knew the place, for Jesus often met there with His disciples" (John 18:1-2).

Gardening with my mom and dad these past three summers has become something very treasured to me. We get up early, spend long efforts digging, planting, daily watering. It's hot and sweaty, but then finally, growth. Such patience, such work, such satisfaction! And through the process, I've realized how much God loves gardening.

The very first home environment on earth- the first paradise- was the Garden of Eden. Throughout parables, He speaks of sowing and reaping, the seeds which fall on various soils, the plentiful harvest, the fruit of the Spirit, the vine and the branches. And then, in the last few hours of His life before death, Jesus chose to pray in a garden. And I wonder: who was the gardener at Gethsemane?

Before Jesus came to earth, He knew what He was coming to do. He was the only person in all of mankind to choose everything about His life! He had the opportunity to choose eye color, jawline, city of birth, time period in history. He knew from Heaven where He would spend time on earth. And He "often met there," in this particular garden, with His disciples. I wonder why?

I wish I had an interview with the gardener. I imagine him relentlessly perfecting every corner of the property, leveling the land and cultivating the soil. Maybe his family mocked his hard effort, wondering why he so intensely cared. Yet something inside him just said to make it perfect- to work hard, plant the finest seeds, prune and graft and water. All leading up to that day when Jesus, in whom all things exist and for whom all was created, walked through the gate.

The Creator! Taking active part in His creation! And a hard-working, normal guy who was faithful enough that the King spent His most precious time in that particular garden.

Oh Lord, whatever I do, let me do it as unto You. I never know whether or not it just might be. 

naked and unashamed

It's been over a month, but here I am again!

I bought patio furniture. Two chairs and one table. They are the first pieces of furniture I've ever bought with my own money, and I feel very grown-up.

Being outside on my patio is precious to me. Three years ago, in the Fall of 2008, I spent almost my entire semester on a porch at Cabana Beach apartments. It was on that patio that I met with Jesus closer than ever before. My heart was broken, and God's presence was incomparably near. I heard once that a good shepherd will break the legs of a sheep if it's wandering away. Although hard to initially recognize, the pain is merciful. If the shepherd allowed the sheep to wander, it could get lost or be eaten by a wolf. Yet out of his compassion for the sheep, the shepherd will break legs, place the crippled animal on his shoulders, and carry the sheep until it's legs heal. Not only is the injured animal restored, but she is also placed in the closest location to the shepherd- on the shoulders of the shepherd himself. This accomplishes duel, knit-together purposes: healing for the injury, and intimacy with the shepherd.

The Lord is my Shepherd. During the time in which I was broken, He placed me on His neck. For one year, i was carried by the Almighty! I grew to rest on His shoulders, and in that place, grew to truly know my Shepherd. I learned the sound of His voice. I learned the rhythm of His heartbeat, the pace of His steps. My initial pain turned into overflowing life! And for the joy set before me, I endured my cross.

Anyways, on my porch at cabana beach is where Genesis 2:25 sank teeth deep into my heart:

"And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."

When i first got to San Marcos, i was angry with God, and completely ignored Him for a month. Yet mid-September, there was an undeniable call for me to spend more time with Him. Every morning, I woke up, made a bagel sandwich and some Dunkin Donuts coffee, and headed to my porch. God gave me Isaiah 30:15, which says, "In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength." I knew that I needed Him, but I felt so awkward in His presence! My worship felt dishonest, my prayers felt dishonest, and only anger and hurt came out of me. But He still called me. It was this weird thing where I never felt released from His presence...I would decide to watch tv or read a book, but a burning nag would fill my heart until I headed back outside. For the first few weeks, I tried to busy my times with God through reading countless chapters of the bible, listening to worship songs, or journaling meaningless thoughts. Yet all these things were none of the issues that were actually eating at my heart. The truth was that I was depressed and angry.

Finally, I read John 5:39-40, which says, "You search the Scriptures, for in them you think you have eternal life...but you are not willing to come to Me, that you may have life." All of my efforts to come before Him were just a smokescreen! Until I was willing to come to Him, to lay my heart bare at His throne of grace, I couldn't find life.

And so began something incredible. The Lord called me to this place of spending hours alone with Him- with no prayer agenda, no expectations, nothing. Just relationship. And it was so hard, so awkward. I was naked, and He was calling me to be unashamed. God showed me that sometimes it takes just as much courage to quietly rest in the shadow of His wings as it does to boldly stand in the lion's den. It became time for me to know that He has power, total control, over every area of my entire life. He commands my breath; He orders my steps. To be able to rest in that place of utter vulnerability, trust, faith, sacrifice--and to do it with calmness of heart-- it's not easy! But it's good.

Today, I must still take the time to come to Him with the raw truth of who I am inside. Man, there's so much more I want to say about this! About how He desires truth in the inward parts, about how His faithfulness is my shield. But more, I'm just pretty excited about my new porch furniture. I'm not in the same place i was three years ago, but my heart still desires vulnerability before Jesus. And so I come! Naked and unashamed.